"Too Much"

Work, kid's sass, animals, or just life in general...is it ever "too much?" How about on a personal level? Have you personally ever been told, "you're too much?" As a behavioral therapist for the last 15 years, I have heard this term in various ways. Owning horses for 25 years, this term has been used more times than I can count in regard to different horses. What is "too much" and who determines that definition? Most often, in my experience, it is actually a projection of one's mental capacity and when they reach their personal limit. Not in fact that the other person/horse/activity is in fact out of reach or broken. Yet, the phrase is continuously thrown around. What about when we approach a child or horse with the energy of them being "too much?"

There is a horse that comes to mind when I hear, "too much." As most horses do, he went through training at a young age to be sold as a two-year-old ready to ride. He was sold at 18 months "ready to go." "So, what's the issue?" you may ask. The issue is an 18-month-old horse being ridden is like asking a 7-year-old to go solo skydiving without hesitancy or let a 3-year-old ride a lawn mower and mow by themselves. Expectations of young horses are so high, they're set up for failure and are then labeled as, "too much." Sure enough, while the owner was kind and considerate of his young age by taking him for walks (whether led by another horse or on his back), the horse still landed a label of "too much" and "you'll never break him of that habit." These labels came after multiple times of the owner being thrown off.

Let's switch gears briefly to children. Do you ever hear your child say, "it's too much?" I personally don't recall any of the kiddos I've worked with directly say that phrase. However, they show us overstimulation, lack of attention, "sass" or pushback, uncooperativeness, sleep issues etc. To me, this is them saying, "it's too much." Yet we sign them up for after school activities every single day, so they are busy from the time they rise till the time they go to bed. Why? Because society tells us consistency and structure are key. Because the economy forces parents to work to survive all the while making child-care to be outrageously expensive. Is consistency and structure key? Yes. But also, no! Like most in life, less is more. Daily routines, school, and parenting do result in greater success with consistency and structure, yes. However, kids need time to be kids, experience the world, and explore on their own. They need free time to be kids, not a full schedule. Kids learn through observation and mimicking adults in their life, exploration and trying things on their own resulting in success or failure and simply taking in nature. The same goes for young horses...

The "too much" horse who would never break the habit of throwing riders is one of my favorite horses in my herd. He teaches my students how clear communication brings reward, self-awareness is imperative, patience with others and ones 'self builds friendships, and then shows how this also translates within a herd. While my students do not ride him, we do incorporate him in our lessons for these reasons. As I work with him and use vagal toning through operant conditioning, he no longer uses "flight" mode, but more "fight" mode and he approaches the "scaries" with encouragement and bravery. Allowing this young horse time to explore and experience his surroundings, observe and mimic older horses, as well as learn how to communicate with humans has resulted in immense individual growth. I successfully ride him out on the trails where we both enjoy our freedom, running, and nature. He was never too much, simply denied time to be a young horse.

Next time your kid shows you, "it's too much," you label someone or something as "too much," stop and breath. Take some time, then, reapproach and attempt to see through a different perspective lens. We often place premature limitations by labeling things as "too much" and outside of our reach to avoid feeling a sense of "less than." While it is healthy to understand our capacity and create boundaries, sometimes expectations interfere with learning and growth. Let's redefine "too much" as a challenge to grow.